Dear myself,

You know sometimes, you annoy me. I know you want your life to be like a movie or a Korean drama series but I didn’t know that it would be like this. For the past months, I know what you’re experiencing for what I experience is the same. And I know that it’s hard for you. And yes, I feel for you. I can’t really count how many times you cried minus this one. And yes, as your guidance counselor always says, ‘It’s perfectly normal.’

I know that this is not just about moving on. It’s about everything. Well, your life in Korea was a blast. And it would be really hard to let go of that life. Your freedom, your relationships, your privileges-and everything – all of that is over.  Having a very different life here would be hell of an adaption but you should, you must and you will.  You should learn that everything ends. All good things come to an end and so as  bad things too. That’s life and we should live with it. I also know it’s hard for you to accept that simple yet hurtful fact. But you should.  Everything ends so that we can have new and maybe better experiences, relationships and learning.

I also feel it when you feel sad whenever you enter your room. I know how boring your room is especially now that you don’t have  your own internet connection. Goodbye 2-minute-movie downloads. Yes, I know that you compare your room here to your room in Korea. And I know it’s not really comparable and it just highlights the difference between your life here and your life there.  But do remember that you survived and actually enjoyed staying here for about 2 years before. You just have to change your perspective in viewing things. Yes, Korea changed the way you view things but I know you can always look at the world the way you want to see it.

You have some regrets, I know. Well, you don’t want to call it regrets because it would compromise one of your life principles that you have to live life with no regrets. But let’s be honest- you have a couple if not many regrets. You were always telling me lately that you should have finished your thesis and completed everything before leaving for Korea. Well, if that happened, you said you’re still probably in Korea now and enjoying your life there. But I always tell you that everything happens for a reason-everything has its purpose. Remember the time when you said you should have just waited for the DevStud program to call you before enrolling in ComDev? Looking back, you know that your life would have been different- really different if you chose the other path. We just don’t know if you’re living a better life with that decision or not. And now, maybe we can see the different purposes that choice served, and that gave you a certain happiness. When we all look back at our life, maybe a year or 5 years ago, we can see how everything was interconnected and how your life now would be the result of those decisions.  And how our life now, and our decisions tomorrow and in the next week would be making connections for our life in the future. We might not always know the reason, but there are always reasons, and whenever we feel that what we are doing are for nothing, I think we are just too lazy to find out what the reason is or maybe, we are not that ready yet to know what the reason is.

I know you are confused now.  You asked me how can you move on if you don’t know where to go, or even the direction where you’re going. And I know that even before, you don’t know where you’re going. Everything wasn’t really planned. UP wasn’t even there. Nor was the three courses you’ve taken including the one now.  Studying in Baguio, the plan to transfer to Manila and finally settling down in Diliman was never there. Korea was never part of it, right? But wait. Was there really a plan in the first place?  I know you’re trying to find your place in the world where you will truly be happy, and I guess there’s no formula or a given map to find wherever that happiness is. You’ve been to different places trying to find that happiness. And probably you’re thinking now that you found a certain piece of that happiness in Korea. You might have or you might have not. Now,  you don’t even know where you’re going just to find that certain something. Well, whether happiness finds you or you find happiness, just enjoy what you’re doing now. But I know how hard it is when you feel like your life has no direction. You feel like you’re nowhere- but nowhere is ‘now here’, right? So just enjoy. It’s also hard when other people define happiness for you. Or  just the system telling you things you must do to be happy. Well, we define our own happiness. And if people’s happiness is defining happiness for you, then let them be. Let them be happy. I can’t really offer a formula for happiness. I wish to believe that happiness is not a destination but rather a journey. There’s no right track-because you’re making your own.

Everything seems hard for you now and again, I feel for you. It’s even hard because you can’t even share these things to people around you- because your relationships were affected by almost a year of your absence. You feel lonely even if you’re with people because it’s with people new to you, and you are new to them.  But you feel much lonelier when you are with people you know- your friends, batchmates, orgmates, of whom you think you don’t know anymore and they don’t know you too. It’s also hard because the people you’ve shared your life for almost a year, are now the ones  absent. It’s even hard to think the reality of how the indefinite time of their absence to your life and your absence to theirs will affect your relationship. I know that now, you’re afraid of making relationships again out of fear. And I understand you.  I know how important people are to you and I know it’s hard when you feel that you are always the one making the effort to continue whatever relationship you have left.  Actually, I don’t know what to tell you with this part. I’m not a relationship expert. The time you were really happy were the times you were with someone. Relationships give you happiness, right? Well, how about rerouting your effort of continuing your past relationships into making new relationships or bridging the affected relationships?  I really don’t know. But I know it’s just this: you miss bang bang with friends.

You don’t tell these to people because you think that they will think you are OA. You are not telling these to people because you are afraid that they might get annoyed because you yourself is annoyed with yourself. You are not telling these to people that’s why you’re telling these to me. I understand you. I am always trying to understand you. And of course, I am always here with you. Well, I can’t say if people around you will say the same but I really hope they do. You were always proud to say that you might be alone in Korea but you were never or seldom lonely. I am still waiting for the day that you can say that to me again. I want you to know that I feel happy whenever you smile out of small things. And have I told you that I miss seeing you laugh really hard? I can’t remember when was the last time I saw you almost die laughing. Please be happy. I want you to be happy.

 

Yours,

Roger.